


It Could Be Us

by MaureyLove



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crushes, Eventual Relationships, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone WILL love Connor, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, No Smut, Platonic Kleinsen, Strangers to Lovers, Tags Are Hard, Treebros, galaxygals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-04-18 01:34:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14202147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaureyLove/pseuds/MaureyLove
Summary: Connor liked Evan, somewhat. But he'd rather stay on the sidelines than pull him into his mess of a life. Besides, if he just ignored him, nothing can go wrong.Evan likes Connor, a lot. But if he told him, well... it'd ruin everything; he's sure of it. If he just hid it, nothing would go wrong.And then it goes wrong.(Or, the ever persistent AU where Evan never crushed on Zoe, and liked Connor instead.)





	1. Lesson 1: Letters are dumb

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to not rush things haha h e l p  
> Also sorry the perspective changes a LOT because I'm bad at writing

He was sure he was red.

All it took was a glance at Connor at his car and he was flustered. He had liked him for years, but the fact that just the sight of him made Evan happy was, well, sad to say the least. He didn't want to seem weird, so he rushed away, not really ready to start off his senior year, but ready to get it over with. He didnt even notice Connor had waved at him, because he was already running over to his locker, right next to Jared's as always, to see him waiting for him.

"Woah, what happened to your arm, Ev?" He pushed up his glasses, inspecting the cast with a bit of worry.

"I uh, I b-broke it." 

"Well duh, but how? What, did you break it from jerking off to Connor too hard? Don't worry, I won't judge!" He said with an overdramatic wink, elbowing him lightly. Evan knew Jared, and after a period of time where he was a complete ass, Jared had apologized, and had tried harder to be nice to him. They were the best of friends, and Jared was getting better, but times like these made him uncomfortable. Of course, it was probably because of the real reason he broke his arm that he was upset with the joke, but he wasn't going to tell him that. Jared seemed to realize his uneasy feeling though, and grabbed his hand.

"Sorry Ev, I just, you know."

"I know." Evan said with a patient smile.

Jared let go, a nervous smile on his face. He let out a soft hum, thinking.

"Well, we'd better get to class- hey! There's your boyfriend!" Evan glared at him, letting out an annoyed sigh.

"He's not my-"

"Hey Connor, loving the new hair length, very school shooter chic!" Jared said with a chuckle. Evan elbowed him hard. Connor just glared.

"Hey come on, it was just a joke..."

"Yeah, so funny, can't you see I'm laughing?!" Connor growled, stepping closer. Knowing Evan liked him, he didn't wanna mess things up more than he did, and just muttered out a quiet sorry, and backed away. Evan let out a cough, wanting to say something, anything, to Connor. Maybe even compliment him, to make him feel better. But nothing came out.

"Are you laughing at me?" Connor didn't want to believe it, and it stung, but his anger wouldn't let him back down.

Evan's eyes widened, in... fear? Connor didn't know, but the fact that Evan could be scared of him made him even more furious.

"N-no, I wasn't, I, wouldn't, never, I-"

"Stop laughing at me! I'm not the freak, you're the freak!" He pushed Evan to the ground. Immediately, he regret it, seeing his crush on the ground, and fuck, he had a cast too! But he couldn't dwell on it, his feet were already moving, as he rushed off.

Evan slowly got up, wincing as he cradled his arm to his chest. Jared was just staring, mouth agape as he processed what just happened. He wanted to say something about Connor, about how much of a jerk he is, but he held his tongue. Evan loved him, and besides, even if Connor had been too rough, he shouldn't have made that joke. He held Evan's hand when he got up.

"I'm so sorry, please, I know I can't keep doing this, I don't know what's wrong with me..." Evan looked at Jared with pity, and understanding. The bell rang, they were late, and Jared started to drag him along to class, when his quiet voice spoke up.

"I know. But you're trying, and you'll get better, ok? We're best friends, and we always will be. It's... annoying sometimes, sure, but, so am I. I forgive you."

He didn't want to admit he was crying, and thankfully, Evan didn't mention it. He was too lucky to have a friend like him. He didn't deserve the constant forgiveness. He loved Evan so much, and even though he never had another real friend, he was sure Evan was the best friend in the world. He felt like a little kid saying that, but it was true. He squeezed his hand, his other on the doorknob to their first hour.

"You're never annoying, Evan." He gave him a reassuring smile, before opening the door.

 

...

 

Evan was in the library, writing his letter to himself. He hated it, but his therapist, his mom, and more recently even Jared, all said he should, and reminded him regularly. Jared wasn't as annoying about it, in fact, he usually helped him with ideas of what to write when Evan couldn't be bothered to think. But Jared wasn't around right now. So he just wrote.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?**

**I know, because there’s Connor, and all my hope is pinned on Connor, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to him. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.**

**I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?**

**Sincerely,**

**Your most best, and dearest friend, Me**

Most of the letters Jared didn't help with tended to be more negative. With all the history they have, he still worries at times that it's all just some joke, that Jared doesn't really care about him. He knows that's unfair, Jared has tried so hard to prove himself since the whole middle school thing, but... it's hard sometimes, and Evan's brain just decides to think the worst possible scenarios. He stared at his letter with a sigh, and hit the print button, listening to the printer whir as it churned out a warm paper. He was about to get up and grab it, when he saw Connor approaching.

"Hey..."

Evan gave him an odd look. He pushed him to the ground today, and the first thing he says after is 'hey'?

"Sooo... how'd you break your arm?"

Evan fidgeted with his cast, scratching at it uncomfortably. 

"I f-fell. Out of.... Out of a tree."

Connor looked at him, a flash of worry crossing his face, before immediately forcing himself to remain neutral.

"Well, that's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." He nodded towards his cast. "Nobody's signed your cast." Evan just nodded, unsure of where this was going.

Connor looked away, embarrassed, but Evan just thought it was because he wanted to get it over with. 

"Well, could I sign it? Do you have a Sharpie?" Evan didn't say anything, and after realizing he was waiting, he pulled out a marker from his pocket to hand to Connor. He watched him scrawl his name in messy, huge letters that covered most of his cast. He almost wanted to laugh, he found it cute, as he looked down at it with a soft blush. Connor's cheeks were a lot darker, as he started to back away.

"T-thanks, Connor..." He whispered.

"Yeah, w-well, sorry for pushing you down or whatever earlier, I uh, I don't fucking know, I guess I rushed judgement, just, damn, I'm not good at these things so I think I'll just-" he paused, seeing Evan's letter, and grabbed it to hand to him. "This is yours, right? Evan Hansen? I guess I'll be on my way then- wait. 'Because there's Connor? And all my hope is pinned on Connor'? Is this some joke?"

Here we go again.

"You, you knew I would see my name, and freak out, didn't you?!" Connor didn't know why he was so angry, Hansen never seemed like the kind of guy to do this, but... then again, he hangs out with Kleinman, so how great can he really be? He took the letter and stormed off, hearing Evan stuttering protests behind him getting farther and farther away.


	2. Lesson 2: Don't let him see you staring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is at school the next day, and tries to apologize. Or, tries to try, in his case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I write the way I do  
> Maybe TW, sorta suicidal thoughts, not really an attempt but idk he thot about it  
> Idk even the slightest mention of stuff bothers me so I felt like I should warn you guys just in case

He didn't even remember how he got there, but here he was, at the orchard, nestled under the trees protection as it lightly rained, with a bottle of pills next to him. He hadn't opened them yet, he just found himself looking out into the field, listening to the water dripping against the ground. Sometimes when he got really upset and mad, he started dissociating, and well, now he was painfully aware of his surroundings, and it felt like too much. He checked his phone a few times, a habit he had when he had nothing else to do but needed to do something, except, he didn't really do anything. Usually there'd be a text from someone right now, from Zoe, asking if he skipped so she wouldn't have to wait to drive them home, or from his mom saying what's for dinner and if Larry was in a bad mood, and sometimes something from Larry himself, to say what a disappointment he is. Even that would be better than nothing at this point, as he turned the screen on, off, on, off, on, off. Like when you check the fridge multiple times even though you know nothing new will ever appear, but some weird part of you still hopes for it. He didn't know why he bothered. He looked down at the bottle, his mother's sleeping pills. He had figured he was a big reason she needed them, so he supposed it didn't matter if both were gone. 

But the more he thought about it, the whole thing seemed boring. Life seemed boring, death seemed boring. He shifted, starting to weigh his options, as if it was as simple as choosing between ordering Chinese food or pizza. As he moved, he heard a crinkling in his pocket, so he fished it out.

Oh.

It was Hansen's weird letter. He scoffed, and decided to read the whole thing, as he had nothing better to do. Which soon turned out to be a bad idea, as it gave him too many confused thoughts. He didn't understand, because it sounded almost like a suicide note, but from as far as he could tell, Hansen had it all. And the weirdest part, was saying that Connor was this kids only hope. He immediately yelled at himself for blushing at that, because it implied that he cares about him somewhat, and the thought of his crush needing him was... warm. It all felt warm. But that warmth was immediately replaced with a chill as he remembered the rest of it. It must have been hypocritical, coming out to kill yourself but hoping someone else didn't do the same thing. He had no contact with Evan, he didn't know where he lived or really anything about him other than his little habits and personality and how cute he was, but that didn't really help him right now.

Letting out a big sigh, he opened up his phone, checking the only thing that he knew Evan appeared on sometimes. He felt creepy each time he did this, but, who didn't look at pictures of their crush whenever they had the chance? He opened up Instagram, automatically pulling up Jared's page. For a guy who only had one friend, he sure had a lot of followers. There was a good amount of people from school who had followed him, mostly from the GSA some girl named Alana had put together, but most of his followers seemed to come from all over the place; he had seen Jared make a post about it, he never had checked personally, because he didn't particularly care about Jared. Most of his pictures though, involved Evan. Not every one of course, but a lot did, and he was always looked a lot more calm when he was with Jared. At one point, Connor had been jealous, thinking they might have been dating, but apparently Zoe had thought the same thing, and he overheard her and Alana talking about it, and they had confirmed they were nothing more than really close friends. Connor looked at the most recent picture posted; Evan was bundled up in a soft blue blanket, looking content, while Jared had sunglasses on, one arm draped around Evan's neck and the other flexing. There was a plate on both of their laps with the food almost gone. He had written:

**Heidi makes the best cooking! :) #sleepover**

Connor just smiled. Sometimes Evan would make the captions, because he didn't have an account of his own. He overheard Jared making fun of him for how bad he was with technology and, more importantly, memes. To be fair, Evan had a really old, off brand phone, that honestly probably couldn't even support Instagram, when he thinks about it. Connor could usually tell which were Evan's captions and which were Jared's; Evan used proper grammar and emoticons, and Jared spelled bad "ironically" and used way too many emojis.

He thinks that Evan wouldn't do anything bad, at least not tonight, if Jared is there with him. For as annoying as Kleinman is, he's good with Evan somewhat, so he feels his worry go down. He saves the picture, humming a pleased sound, a small smile evident on his face. Then he froze.

He had come here, because he felt numb, and was sick of feeling nothing. And with something so insignificant, he felt something. It confused him. It always seemed to be Evan. Whenever he felt nothing each day, he'd see Hansen do something unimportant, like play with the string sticking out of his shirt, or his conflicted look when deciding if he should get in the lunch line with all the other people or wait until the line dies down, and... He'd feel something. Deciding not to dwell on it too much, he decides to just go home. He picks up his stuff, and sees the bottle on the ground, and for some reason got suddenly angry, and kicked it as far as he could, before heading off home. 

 

...

 

Connor decided he should apologize. Which was daunting, considering how his last apology turned out. He got angry easily, and the fact that he gets angry makes him more mad, mostly at himself, and it just keeps growing, until he can't even control himself. He's looked up stuff online to help, but nothing really worked for him except weed which, makes things worse at home, or sleeping it off, which makes it all come out at school. Of course, he could get medication for... whatever the fuck was wrong with him, but Larry said he's just making it up. So, he was on his own.

Regardless, he was determined to keep his calm in front of Evan. This didn't really work, because he wasn't prepared for what he saw.

Quickly shoving his head into his own locker, he pretended to be looking for something, as he eavesdropped on Kleinman's conversation with Evan.

"Look, it's just for the school day! If you didn't really want to wear it, you should've won the bet. I know you're way better at that game than I am!"

"I was d-distracted! And... it's..." Evan's voice got smaller. "I-it's not that I don't like w-wearing a skirt, I, just, w-what if Connor thinks I-I'm a freak? Even more than, more than yesterday?"

Jared made a disapproving sound. "Maybe he'll like it. Let's ask!" He grinned devilishly, stepping over to Connor and knocking on his locker. Shit. Peeking out, he tried his best to look pissed off, as he uttered a "what" that was a bit more high pitched than he wanted it to be.

"I was wondering, I'm uh, taking a survey, yes, of course, a survey! I absolutely need your opinion on how our dear Evan looks in a skirt." It was clear that was a lie, but regardless, Connor felt like he should answer for some reason. It definitely wasn't the look on Evan's face, no sir.

Evan looked both annoyed that Jared was even asking him, but also scared of being criticized, and... well, Connor wanted to focus on that, so that he could speak, but instead... He was focused on the deep blush of embarrassment on Evan's face, the way his soft hands were fidgeting with eachother, and how even though the skirt was way too feminine for his body type, it oddly REALLY worked. He felt his face go hot.

"I, uh, well, damn it, I gotta... go, now, bye!" He stammered out, turning to leave before Kleinman could even mention how red his face was. But, then the frustration came, facepalming at how he came to actually say something to him and ended up probably worrying Evan more. So he turned back around, refusing to make eye contact, and muttered a rushed, "YoulookreallycuteokfuckyouKleinmanbye" and hurried away, slipping before he could make it around the corner. Yelling out a "Damn it! FUCK!" As he scrambled to get back up, he continued on his way, a quick glance revealing Evan covering his face shyly and Jared smirking, pleased with himself.

He didn't get to apologize today. But at least today was different, and Zoe didn't scowl at him as she passed by him in the halls for once. His heart pounded each time he caught Evan staring at him.

If this is what it was like to truly be alive, then he'd like to stick around after all, even if just for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have work really early tomorrow but instead of doing something productive I'm doing this  
> I'm in a good mood and one of my favorite fics updated last night so life is good


	3. Lesson 3: Don't trip over the small things!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets granted mercy, and gets his note back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I gotta sleep now

At lunchtime, Evan couldn't handle Connor staring at him anymore, and the blush on the boys face as he stared confused him even more. He had called him cute... And he wasn't sure what to think of that. Maybe he was just being nice? When he said that earlier, Jared had just said he was too dense to understand. Speaking of which, Jared was sitting next to him, their knees touching, as he talked with his mouth full of sandwich about some conspiracy theory. He nudged him with his leg.

"I-I know it was a bet, b-but, can I wear p-pants now?"

Jared looked at him with sympathy, and made some joke that Evan didn't quite pay attention to, and said sure. They went off to the bathroom, Jared pulling out some of Evan's signature khakis from his backpack, knowing that he wouldn't last the whole day. He muttered a thanks, and put them on in the stall. Afterwards, they went to go back to the lunchroom, but the bell rang. Evan sighed.

"Hey, you alright?" Evan just shrugged. Jared looked amused for a moment, because usually he was the one to shrug at that question when Evan would ask him, but he quickly went back to being worried. "Is something wrong, Ev?"

He just shrugged again. Jared grabbed his hand, unsure of what Evan was thinking.

The truth was, nothing was really wrong in theory. It just felt like it. Things were ok, his mom was there for breakfast this morning and they actually had a conversation, Jared took him to school and they laughed like teenage girls about the stupidest things, and Connor didn't seem mad at him, and instead called him CUTE. He even ate lunch for once! And though he was embarrassed, a lot of people actually complimented him on his skirt, and he for once wasn't that upset at being noticed by people. So he didn't understand why he was so suddenly... bad feeling. He couldn't describe it. He wasn't on the verge of a panic attack luckily, he just felt, anxious, and tired of today already. Students started to file out of the lunchroom, chatting about various things, as Jared rushed them to Evan's class to avoid the crowd. 

"Look, I really want to help, I do, but I can't yet. I have a really important presentation today, ok? But it's just this hour, and then we can skip and go home together, and relax, alright?" Jared squeezed his hand, hoping things would be ok in the meantime. Evan just nodded, forcing a small smile.

"O-okay, but you owe me, you owe me pizza, tonight."

Jared smirked at that, agreeing, and giving him a bear bug that lifted him a couple inches, before disappearing in a sprint to go to his class across the school. He wished him and Jared had more classes, so that he could at least be comforted during this, his least favorite class.

Art class.

It wasn't horrible yet, since it was only the second day after all, but he knew his artistic skill, and it was nonexistent. He sat in the back of the class as usual, seeing a bag in the seat next to him, instantly worried about who would be sitting next to him. Nobody sat in the back yesterday, after all. He silently waited, as the teacher told them they were going to be doing a simple drawing test to determine the class' general experience. All they had to do was draw some simple three dimensional shapes, and shade them. The shapes would be shared between each pair of desks, because there wasnt enough for everybody. Evan immediately paled, as he realized the person next to him would have to be close enough to see his drawings, and if he hid his drawing, they'd think he was weird, and enough people already knew he was weird, so-

"Mr. Murphy, so glad you could finally join us. You're late." The teacher bit out, looking angrier than she sounded. Evan watched as Connor made eye contact with him, as the boys pale face turned a light pink, slowly walking and sitting in the spot next to Evan. Connor's gaze kept flickering to his eyes and then anywhere but them.

"Sooo... are we just doing the stupid shapes?" He muttered, almost shyly. Evan still wasn't up to talking, and this was even more stressful than he thought. So he just nodded.

Connor bit his lip, considering if he should keep going.

"I'll wait till the end to start. I'm used to this anyway."

Evan just looked at him with questioning eyes, not wanting to start yet, and oddly enjoying his voice. Connor looked at him again.

"Is it ok if I talk..?" Evan nodded. "Are you going to talk?" Evan shook his head no.

Connor took in a deep breath. "I uh, I've been in this class a few times, I just, don't like most of them. The other classes, I mean. So I keep taking this one, it's the only good grades I get. I don't think I'm supposed to, but, fuck it I guess. I guess the teacher likes me? Which is weird honestly. But, I'm somewhat good, or at least that's what the teacher says, but... It gets really damn boring, doing most of the same things each time. So I usually sleep and wait until the end, because it only takes a couple of-" Connor snorts, a smirk tugging at his lips. "What IS that?"

Evan had taken the time while Connor was distracted telling him things, to work on the assignment. His sphere looked oddly egg-like, and the cylinder and cube didn't look BAD, per say... He flushed, stammering small noises, not sure what to say, so he just threw his head back dramatically in embarrassment, letting out a genuine laugh. Connor chuckled once more, and started his, and before he knew it, he glanced over and it looked... perfect. Connor didn't look proud or anything, but extremely amused by the look of shock on Evan's face.

"I can help you sometime, if you need it. I mean, it's sorta been natural to me, but, some people just need practice..." He glanced back at Evan's paper. "Some, a little more than others, but that's ok." He said with a wink.

Evan was turning redder by the minute, and just nodded frantically. After that, Connor leaned forward, looking like He was going to take a nap. He eventually finished his messy drawing, taking glances over at the sleeping boy next to him. He was so handsome.

Before he knew it, class had ended, and they turned in their papers. Connor had walked ahead, not as happy looking after he woke up, and Evan stayed a bit behind, not wanting to seem too clingy after only one good conversation together. He was about to consider if he should walk to Jared's class, or wait at his locker for him, but before he could decide, someone was pushing Connor, hard, and to the ground.

They looked like a stereotypical jock, and was calling him names, mostly, well... The usual things most people thought about Connor, and he could see his intentions. For some reason, something sparked in Evan. He knew Connor was strong, he's seen him fight back before and win by a long shot, but in that moment, he felt... protective? Connor was grimacing, about to get up to punch him, but Evan was quicker. He leaped out, and punched the guy square in the face, immediately wincing at the contact. Soon after, he heard a teacher yell, "Evan Hansen, to the principals office, immediately!" And his eyes widened. The jock ran off with a glare, and he turned around, seeing Connor giving him a look he couldn't decipher, and instead of saying anything meaningful, he muttered a small "S-see you tomorrow?", running off before Connor could answer.

He didn't get in serious trouble after all, but he couldn't skip like he wanted. At the end of the day he met with a worried Jared, opening his locker to find his note Connor had taken the day before. In the corner, in colored pencil, was a small **Sorry for freaking out** and he smiled. They went home, agreeing to tell Jared about his day, but after a well deserved nap.


	4. Lesson 4: Be More Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has a bad day. Evan has a bad day. Maybe all that can help right now is eachother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter doesn't relate to BMC but I love BMC btw
> 
> Also wow I have over a hundred tabs of fanfiction please stage an intervention

Evan was having a bad day.

It had started out great, with people complimenting him, including his crush of many years. He had even stood up for Connor, and protected him! When he woke up from his nap snuggled against Jared, hearing him watching a stream on his phone, he nuzzled his chest to let him know he was awake, so he could tell him about what had happened after lunch. He had said he was proud of Evan, so he felt good about it, even if he had to endure a lecture in an otherwise deafeningly quiet office for a while because of it. Things felt right. Even Jared had seemed happier, seeing Evan in such high spirits for once.

Then Heidi came home.

She was an amazing mom, and Evan knew that her absence was because she's trying to help make his life better, but it made things strained. So naturally, whenever something happened, she would be a bit upset, because she never saw it coming, because they never talked really. It's like they didn't know eachother, and it frustrated them.

"So, funny thing, I got a call today from the school..." she said, as she set down her purse and keys on the table by the door. Evan looked towards Jared helplessly. "Why would you punch another student, Evan?"

Jared spoke up, realizing Evan probably wasn't going to.   
"Sorry to intervene, but, Evan was just trying to help his friend, Ms. Hansen."

Evan wasn't looking at anything but his nails, which he pretended to find very interesting as he picked at them. He could tell by the sound of her voice that she had on that smile that was way too tired for this situation.

"I appreciate that, Jared, but I think you should go home now, I need to have a conversation with Evan. But he sure to tell your mom I said hello!"

Jared gave Evan a look he could feel without looking up, putting his hand on his knee in a gesture of comfort, before he got up and went out the door. The silence was thick, and the sound of Jared's car engine roaring to life before he drove away cut through it. Evan looked up at his mother nervously, wincing at the way she pursed her lips.

"So?"

"Jared was... He was telling the truth! I was, I-I was trying to protect someone!"

Heidi pinched the bridge of her nose. "Sweetie, that's not the point."

"But... you always said... said I should stand u-up for myself, and... And others! Shouldn't y-you be proud of me..?"

The exhausted laugh that comes from his mom's mouth made him inwardly cringe.

"Evan, violence should NEVER be the answer. And... yes, you should stand up for your friends, and if it was under different circumstances, then of course I would be happy, especially that you made a new friend, but..." she sighed heavily. "I can't have you acting like what you did was okay. You punched a kid, Evan!"

Evan huffed. He believed he deserved it still. At the same time, he had felt bad about it, because well, he always felt bad whenever he did anything. He was about to apologize, but-

"I'm sorry Ev, but... you're grounded. Only for a week, but... I just, I don't want to condone that kind of thing, and you just seemed so happy with Jared today, almost like, you were being rewarded for it. So..." she checked her watch. "I gotta go back. But I should be back in the morning, if you want to talk about your new friend?"

Evan avoided eye contact, and stayed silent, so she just left with a tired look on her face.

He opened his phone to see a text from Jared.

 **insanelylame:** text me when I can come back over ok, I will RUN there with my short, slow legs

Evan smiled at that, and told him he couldn't come over for a week. It made him a bit sad, but at least he could see him at school. He decided to nap again, since he had nothing better to do anyways. 

 

...

 

When he woke up, he was in a panic. Usually, he just texted Jared to come over when he was freaking out, but then his mom would get mad at him, and then she'd hate him, and-

His phone dinged.

 **Unknown Number:** Hey, Evan? This is Zoe, I got your number from Alana, because Connor wanted to talk to you, but he was freaking out about asking you himself, because he's an idiot tbh, he wants to know if he can hang out rn

Evan stared in disbelief, still trying to calm his breathing. The idea of Connor wasn't helping him right now. He shaking typed a reply.

 **Evan:** Sorry. I'm grounded. I can't have anyone over right now. 

He turned off his phone, walking downstairs to get some water; he felt like his throat was so dry all of a sudden, and his head was spinning. He sat down on the floor, or rather, flopped onto it, and just stared at a spot on the wall. After a few minutes, he heard a knocking at the door, and his heart jumped out of his chest. He peered through the peephole at the door, stumbling back immediately, when he saw... Connor? He checked his phone, confused.

 **Unknown Number:** He said he's coming over anyways, just so you know

Hesitantly, he opened the door.

 

...

 

Connor was having a bad day. It was all going well at first, talking to Evan without snapping at anyone truly, and seeing him sock a guy in the face? Priceless. He didn't even think that was real at first, Evan, the embodiment of innocence, punching a jock in the face to protect the school freak? Wild, that was for sure. If it wasn't for the fact Zoe had seen it, he would've thought it was a fever dream.   
After the school day, they had a small talk. Not enough to fix anything by any means, but Zoe had observed the soft way Connor had interacted with Evan, and mentioned how he always seemed to be glancing at him for as long as she could remember. She told him she wished she could see that soft side more.

They drove to their favorite ice cream place, Connor trying not to hate himself too much at the way Zoe would flinch if he accidentally raised his voice, or when he grabbed her wrist to tell her he'd pay for the both of their cones. Otherwise, things had gone great. They went home, not laughing, but in a less uneasy silence than usual. 

As soon as he got home, the mood was gone.   
His mom asked why they got back so late, and Larry asked if Zoe had to search for Connor passed out after his high again, as if it was as common as asking the weather. He scoffed, about to go up to his room before he could get angry. He finally had a great day, and he didn't want to ruin it. His parents had other plans. 

His mother's small voice spoke up. "Dear, we got a call from the school today..." Connor froze. He didn't do anything wrong today? The worst he did was get to art a tad late, but that was because he had to use the bathroom, and he had checked in with the teacher beforehand. It was the only class he enjoyed, after all. But even so, whenever he did come late for a dumb reason, or even skipped, she marked him present. She was a saint, honestly.

"Connor, how many times have we told you not to get into fights?! Especially not with a boy like him, his family has very high status! Are you trying to ruin everything?" Larry blurted out.

Oh.

Someone had thought, or had just flat out lied, and said Connor did it. He hadn't fought back, it was Evan, and even so, he shouldn't have gotten in trouble for him, and to top it all off, even if Connor HAD fought back, he didn't start it.

Suddenly, he was furious.

"I didn't fucking do anything, so leave me alone." He gritted through his teeth, trying to get under control.

"What, did you forget about it because you were high off your ass again? Maybe we should've left you in that ditch the first time. Then it'd teach you your actions can't just be fixed by us all the time!"

"Larry!"

Connor saw red. He had to get away.   
Once, when he was younger, he remembered some random kid had asked Evan why he hung out with Kleinman, when he was such a jerk to everyone. He simply shrugged and said that sometimes, people say things they don't mean, because they can't help it. Connor used to think that about Larry when he was younger, but then again, it was a lot more simple back then. Connor was difficult still, but they hadn't hated him yet. Now, was different. 

Zoe hesitantly touched his shoulder, bringing him out of his thoughts. His first instinct was to push, shove, hit whatever had touched him, whatever broke his space, but he recognized the look on her face, and held it in, going up to his room. He slammed the door, looking around for a moment afterwards, wishing he'd just chill out already, but his mind kept racing, and all he wanted was to throw something, anything, he needed something, so he took the thing closest to him and hurled it across the room, and hearing it smack against the wall brought him back to his senses. He had thrown his phone. 

He crouched down and picked it up gently, looking at the shattered screen. He turned it on, just barely making out the picture of Evan as his home screen, sighing heavily. Zoe opened the door carefully, watching him.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer."

She laughed nervously, and tiptoed over to him, sitting down with her legs to the side.

"Are you ok?"

He didn't bother answering that, because fuck, did he look ok? So he just let out a pained laugh instead.

"Is there any way I can calm you down?"

He shook his head. Nothing seemed like it'd help. Usually weed was his go to, but he'd end up feeling worse afterwards, because of everyone else. She shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what to do, before sighing, and heading toward's the door. Evan flashed in his mind for a moment.

"Can you get me Evan's number?"

Zoe stopped in her tracks, a devious smile he hasn't seen in a long time crossing her face.

"Oh, I'm so hurt, your loving sister can't make you happy, but your gay crush can? I'll see what I can do."

He hummed to himself for a moment as she left, before chasing after her, calling out. His phone still worked technically, but he could hardly see anything. Well, he could see enough, but he was also nervous of scaring Evan off.

"Can you, text him for me?" He asked, clearly embarrassed. Zoe smiled teasingly, saying yes, and that she'd come back in when his boyfriend replied. Connor replied with a "fuck off", before laying down on his bed, trying to ignore the yelling downstairs, about him, always about him. The thoughts almost became too much, when Zoe came back in, saying he's grounded.

He was worried it'd be creepy to just show up, but he couldn't handle the voices in his head anymore, and while Zoe and him were talking now, he felt on edge around her. He needed to see him. He needed to feel ok, if only for a moment. So he went off to head to his house anyways, climbing out his window as he heard his parents voice quieting the farther he got.


	5. Lesson 5: Hold his hand, for forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan have a bro session, purely platonic, just bros being bros. This isn't the end of the day yet, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not used to work still and my legs hurt so bad  
> But I feel accomplished

He was standing in front of Evan Hansen's house, the door open with the boy in question peeking out slightly. He knew what had happened leading up to this, and wanting to come over, but he doesn't remember walking here. Seeing him, both made him happier and more frustrated. Seeing his crush? Very nice. Not being able to receive affection from said crush? Not nice. 

"I uh, I can't h-have anyone over, right now..."

Connor closed his eyes, as if it took a lot of brain power to process this statement. "Why are you grounded."

"For, you know, punch..."

He raised his eyebrows, eyes still closed. "Punching that guy? That's fucking stupid."

Evan let out a laugh at that. A genuine one, the one you'd make if you believed something for so long, and everyone thought you were crazy, until someone didn't. 

"I got in trouble too, if it makes you feel better. I'm probably grounded as well, sorta."

He made a face of confusion, his eyes asking why. Connor just shrugged, all the answer he could bother giving. Evan looked shy for a moment, before almost whispering, "Well, that too, that is fucking s-stupid."

Connor snorted with laughter, covering his mouth. Evan looked startled for a moment, just watching and listening to it, causing him to quiet down in embarrassment. He hated his own laugh. "I just, it's weird, today has been really fucking weird. Second day back, and goody two shoes Hansen punches a kid and swears now? I feel like I'm in some alternate universe."

Evan smiled, deciding to ignore that comment, and says the first thing that comes to mind. "I really, r-really like your laugh, Connor, it's beau- wait no, I mean, um, you should... do it more???" He immediately cringed at his phrasing. It didn't seem to matter though, as Connor flushed a deep red, and huffed like a little kid.

"No. Anywho, who cares, if you're grounded, I mean. Your mom isn't even here right now, let's go somewhere, I'm horribly bored."

"N o!" Evan squeaked out quickly. A flash of hurt covered Connor's features.  
"Nonononono not like t-that! It's not that, not that I don't want to! I w-want to, god I want to, I always want to, to see you," Connor smiled goofily at that. "I-I mean! Nevermind, I just, I never, I haven't, ever snuck out, when I'm, y-you know, grounded?"

"Shit, really?" Evan nodded. "Well, we gotta make this as authentic as possible. You can't just walk out, I'm gonna teach you how to actually sneak out, like a pro." Evan giggled, whenever he heard pro, he thought of dumb jokes Jared made. Almost anything Jared tried to do, he'd start it off by saying, "I'm a pro at (whatever trivial thing he was doing that day)!" And immediately failing horribly at said activity. Connor asked for permission inside, and shyly, Evan let him in.  
He was about to apologize for how small and messy it was, before Connor interrupted.

"Holy shit, you have an awesome place, Hansen!"

Evan stared at him like he had two heads. "If, if you're being sarcastic, I, I'm sorry, I know it's, well, yeah..."

Connor looked at him the same way, before shrugging and looking around still. "Whatever. It's... real. Which is more than I usually get."  
Evan slowly led him up to his room, trying hard not to apologize for the mess, but doing it anyway. He seemed upset and uncomfortable, hoping Connor wouldn't judge him for his stuff, especially since he looked irritated. He said sorry again, as they sat down next to eachother on his bed.

"Look Hansen, I don't know what you fucking want me to say. Are you fucking asking me to agree that your house is shit? Because I can, damn it. But it wouldn't be true. And as much of an ass as I am, I'm not going to lie to you, ok? I just..." He tried to lower his voice, realizing suddenly how snappy he sounded. He usually wasn't aware of it. "My house feels too fake. It's big and nice, but there's nothing personal, I guess? There's family pictures taken by photographers, so professional and shit, and all these stupid decorational pieces that have no purpose and are actually kinda fucking ugly, and it's always spotless. Except my room, but even so. It doesn't... feel like a home. Like a fucking magazine or ad filled with houselike things." He gestured all around him. "But this? It feels like a home. You have pictures of you and your mom being happy and silly, and knick knacks, and it's... comfy. I..." He looked at his hand, which was dangerously close to Evan's. "I'm not uh, used to talking, this much. I'm gonna shut up for a bit, if that's ok."

Evan followed his gaze, and remained silent. They sat for a few minutes in silence, Evan's heart pounding. He liked hearing him talk so much. He liked being so close to him. He liked him.

Connor's heart pounded. He liked how attentive Evan had been while he was talking because he was so used to being ignored. He liked being so close to him. He liked him.

Nervously, Evan wiggled his pinky closer to Connor's hand, just barely grazing his skin. Connor shivered, and shifted his hand closer slightly. They did this stupid dance for a while, before Connor got oddly frustrated and grabbed Evan's hand, hard. Hearing his squeak, he let go, worrying he had hurt him, but Evan grabbed his hand again just as tight, before loosening his grip and just holding his hand gently. They were both blushing, as if they had done something unspeakable. It was like this for a few minutes, before Evan's phone buzzed, startling him, as they both jumped up and let go of eachother. He checked his phone.

 **Mom:** Sorry hun! Checked my pocket, and saw I forgot to leave you food money! There should be some leftover pizza in the fridge I think! Love you  <3

Evan threw away that pizza two days ago because it was moldy, there was no food in the house, unless milk counts. He knew he was being unreasonable, but he suddenly got irritated. He didn't mind skipping a meal usually, he used to do it a lot, but he wanted an option, and he hasn't eaten much today. And she had said he wasn't supposed to leave or have anyone over, so theoretically, he couldn't even have Jared come over and pay for something, not that he wanted him to waste his money on him.

"So, s-sneaking out?"

Connor was pulled out of his thoughts and smirked. "Alright, so, for future endeavors, who knows, maybe your mom WILL be home. You can't just walk out the door, then she'll know, and then I can't steal you away. So, we're going through the window, as practice."

"Wait, how will, how are we getting down?"

"Dear, sweet Evan, you always have to have an escape plan. What if a fucking murderer got in your house, and you need to get away? Or... Even worse..." He got close, whispering into Evan's ear. "What if... I got in your house? You gotta know where to run." He laughed breathily, and Evan tensed up as he felt his hot breath against his ear and neck. Connor pulled away, unaware of how flustered Evan was.

"It should be fun, you like trees, right? We can just climb the one near your window." He opened Evan's window, already going out onto the tree. "I'll go slow, ok?"

Evan struggled getting out the window, fumbling almost because he swore Connor's gaze was on a specific part of him instead of just watching to make sure he didn't slip. But once he was on the tree, he got down quickly, way before Connor had. He had a look of pride on his face, as the slower boy looked impressed when he finally joined him. 

"Looks like you're already an expert, maybe Evan Hansen is a secret rebel." He said, clearly amused. 

"Today is, uh, just, just full of surprises, I guess."

Connor thought Evan himself was a surprise.

"So, where does the big rebel want to go first, on his official first day of... rebelling?"

Evan huffed. "I'm n-not big!" 

He just laughed at that, then proceeded to turn away, because the look Evan gave him each time he laughed like that made him embarrassed. 

"Hmmm... w-well, maybe we should -" Evan's stomach growled. Connor furrowed his brow. 

"Ya know Hansen, I didn't see you eat anything at lunch today." He hung his head in shame. "Let's go eat something. My treat."

Evan turned into a beet. He was red as could be, was he suggesting they go on a date? Wait no, Connor doesn't like him like that, he couldn't. But they did hold hands, but, he held hands with Jared all the time and it never felt like that, but Evan was probably the only one who was freaking out, as he blurted out, "is this, a date?"

Connor's voice was a lot higher in pitch, and had turned away so Evan couldn't see the matching blush on his face now. "No, of course not, Hansen. Unless you w-... nevermind. It's not, don't worry."

Oh.

Well, for now, he would be fine. He was happy that he could see him, even if they had different feelings about eachother. He liked being with Connor. 

They had to walk a short distance to Connor's house, so that they could get the car to go get food. The whole walk, Connor's pinky would gently brush against Evan's, and the contact make him jolt up each time. Connor seemed conflicted. When they got to the house, he slipped in for a moment to grab his keys, and afterwards they got into the car, listening to it come to life. Evan looked out the window, staring at the huge house, and waiting for the car to move. It didn't, for a couple minutes. He looked at Connor confused, to find that Connor was already staring at him very intently, his brows knitted, deep in thought. He was about to ask what was wrong, if there was something on his face, when Connor roughly grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together comfortably, now avoiding eye contact as he quickly pulled out of the driveway. They didn't talk the whole way, but occasionally Connor would rub his thumb against Evan's hand in slow, nervous circles, and Evan would squeeze Connor's hand whenever he was startled from a bump in the road. Both boys hearts were beating fast at the simple actions, but they held a semi straight face. 

He didn't know what the rest of the day would hold, but there was the warmest feeling in his chest that he hadn't felt in a while, and he cherished it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's your fav treebros or kleinsen fic? I need more stories/someone to yell about mutual favorites 
> 
> https://youtu.be/1hNu4V4oRdA
> 
> Also, the best bmc animatic ever


	6. Lesson 6: Fast Food is Just as Fancy a Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The babes don't go on a date, it's platonic I swear
> 
>  
> 
> Except it isn't platonic at all tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wake me up  
> I'm sleepy inside  
> Can't wake up

Connor was in distress, as he realized something. You would think it'd be common sense, and that even if you had nothing planned, you'd at least be aware of this issue. But no, Connor hadn't realized it until this very moment. Usually, it wouldn't be an issue, but to be fair, usually he was alone, so it wouldn't matter. So here he was, sitting with Evan at a Wendy's, in complete and utter silence.

Needless to say, Connor was fucked.

The problem was, Connor didn't talk to people. He had nobody to truly talk to, for so long that he was probably even more socially awkward than Evan. In other situations, he'd just mention something relevant to what they were doing, and maybe some playful banter. Here though, there was nothing to say. In the car it was somewhat ok, because the two of them were just content holding hands in silence. Maybe Evan was comfortable in this silence too. But, Connor didn't know these things, he couldn't pick up social cues, he couldn't always tell what was too mean or weird or anything really. So Connor just watched Evan intently, hoping that this wasn't weird, as he picked at his fries.

...

Evan was in distress. He didn't know what to talk about, and Connor kept staring at him expectantly, and he didn't know what he was expecting. It didn't help the fact that he hated being watched while he ate, since he always worried if he was eating it weird, or if he made a mess on himself, or maybe he got something stuck in his teeth, what if Connor was judging him for getting a plain bacon cheeseburger instead of getting condiments and stuff on it? He's always been picky, and though the only person who mentioned it was Jared, he still worried, because everyone else could still be thinking it.

"Um, could you, maybe, if that's alright, stop staring at me?"

Connor immediately looked rejected, scowling more so at himself than at Evan, as he looked down at the table awkwardly.

"I didn't, didn't mean it to be, uh, rude??? I just, really get nervous eating around o-other people, it's not your fault, well, you didn't know, because I didn't TELL you, which was stupid of me since we were going to get food so I knew something might happen but I forgot-"

Connor smiled dreamily, his expression drastically less uncomfortable. 

"It's fine, Hansen. I won't watch you if it'll make you feel better. But, for the record..." 

Connor started stuffing his giant burger into his mouth, placing fries wherever they could fit, making dramatic gestures all the while. He chewed it all messily, as Evan admits while he'd never find Connor unattractive, this definitely wasn't his best moment.

As he finished chewing and swallowed, he spoke up again while he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "It's ok to worry, but you don't need to be. I'm literally disgusting, I have no fucking manners, I would never judge you for any weird shit you do to your food. Ok?"

Evan nodded, a small smile relaxing onto his face, eating at a comfortable pace now instead of just sitting there awkwardly.

"By the way, that was just an example, I uh, don't ALWAYS eat that messily." Connor added with an embarrassed blush.

"Oh really? Not always, s-so, that means you do sometimes?"

"No, I, well... fuck you." Evan snorted at Connor's failed attempt at arguing, and spoke before he could think.

"Y-you wish!"

The two went silent, faces red, as they made brief eye contact, before focusing on far more interesting things, like the way the fries are arranged looked like a smiley face, and a small dent in the table. Connor muttered something he couldn't quite make out, so he didn't push it. They finished up in silence, before getting back inside his car.

...

Connor was the first to break the silence.

"Sooo, what does the bad boy want to do now for his night on the town?"

He watched as Evan made a face of relief, but also contemplation.

"It's, it's not night, Connor. It's, only 6."

"Whatever. Stop being a smartass, Hansen. It's sorta technically night!" He quipped out, Evan's lips twisting up in amusement.

"Also, I, well, I'm not entirely sure? Like I said, I've never, I've never really done this, and I don't go out much in general except to Jared's, or the store if I have money. S-sorry, I'm kind of, boring I guess?"

He considered something for a moment.

"Isn't Kleinman an asshole?"

Evan snorted. "W-well, sorta, he doesnt, doesn't really mean it, and he's not really mean to me anymore? He apologized for when he was a huge asshole, and now he's only, he's only a tiny asshole, but like, he's never serious about it."

"Did he ever get punished for his actions though?"

"What... do you mean?

Smiling, he turned on the car, grabbing Evan's hand before he could second guess it.

"We're going to prank Kleinman."

...

Evan apparently didn't want to get Jared in trouble for a prank like tp-ing his house, since according to Evan, Jared's parents were strict and would likely ground him for a deed he didn't even do. Besides, it was "too mean", he had said, to every single idea Connor had suggested. So here they were, in Connor's kitchen, with two large water guns. He had also suggested weird substances to put in them, but Evan shot that down like everything else, saying it'd stain his carpet or even his clothes and therefore, too mean. So, they were just filling them with water. Connor got Evan to at least agree to putting ice cubes in the guns, so that the water would be freezing cold. Evan had said it was payback for when Jared had supposedly dumped could water on him to wake him up once.

Cynthia came downstairs suddenly, looking shocked and confused. Putting a genuine smile on her face, she approached the two boys.

"Connor, sweetie, who's this nice young man?" She stuck out her hand, and Evan shakily took it.

"Evan. My... friend. We're leaving now." Evan seemed to cringe at the hesitation when he called him his friend. Did this mean they weren't friends?

"Oh! Okay dear! I'm so proud of you for making a friend baby, he's welcome to come over any time! When do you think you'll be back?"

"I don't fucking know!" Immediately, Connor felt something at his mom's face, he knew she was used to him being like that from the way she smiled, but, did she deserve that? "Sorry, I uh, I'm not sure. Not too late. Ev doesn't want to stay out too late. Don't, uh. Don't worry." He muttered out awkwardly. There were tears in her eyes, and he thought he fucked up again, but then she hugged him, saying she was so proud. He felt slightly irritated that such a small thing as telling her what's going on made her proud, but then he got more irritated at himself, because he had made it that way. He didn't really hug her back, but he patted her upper back lightly. She gave one last watery smile, before disappearing back upstairs.

"Let's go get Kleinman already, too much emotion for my taste."

...

Their day ended pretty nicely. They had rung Jared's doorbell and hid in the bushes, Evan trying desperately to quiet his giggles. When he opened the door, stepping out in confusion, they attacked relentlessly, laughing at all of Jared's "What the FUCK"'s and running when they ran out and he tried to chase them, and he did for a while, until they hid and he headed back. Though it was the most tame prank he had done, it had been the most fun, as he watched Evan laugh and run around, the widest smile on his face, and the way his freckles looked up close when they hid together. It was perfect.

Connor took Evan home, and luckily, Heidi wasn't home yet, so they just went through the door. They sat on the couch for a few minutes, Evan carefully placing his hand onto Connor's as he sent him the video of Jared getting soaked, and them watching it a few times and giggling together softly. After a while, Evan sadly told Connor he should leave, just in case his mom comes soon, and he reluctantly agreed. Evan stood in the doorway for a moment, staring heavily at the ground as Connor walked to his car, before blurting out, "Can we, well, could we take a picture maybe, together? It's just... this is the best day I've had, in a l-long time, and well, I know, I have, like I have the Jared video, but uh, well, it's not like I could forget you were with me, but, having a picture of the both of us would make it more real? It's a stupid thing, I'm sorry, nevermind."

Connor sighed, not out of anger, but because it seemed silly still to him, because why wouldn't he want to take a picture with Evan. He told him this.

They got close together, Connor taking the picture since his phone was way better, and his arms were longer. He smushed his face against Evan's, the blush on both of their faces extremely evident, and they both had large, yet shy smiles. 

"Don't forget to send it, send, to me!" Evan said as Connor started to drive away. A few minutes later, he got the picture, and set it as his lock screen.

He was sure he'd sleep great tonight.

He did.


	7. Lesson 7: Jealousy is a sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor skips, and Evan meets a new student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact my cousins name is Connor Murphy
> 
> Also sorry this is really bad and short? Maybe I'll edit later I just wanted to get something out

A few days had passed since they hung out.  
Admittedly, Connor had never said they could keep seeing eachother, but some part of him had hoped that he could hold his hand again, and just do whatever. It was honestly the best day he had in a long time. Of course he loved spending time with Jared, but this feeling was different. And it wasn't just Evan's nerves preventing them from hanging out, Connor seemed to be avoiding him. It hurt, honestly, and he didn't know what he did wrong. Jared told him that he should ask Connor about it, which terrified him. But, he did feel himself getting more anxious at the idea of never talking to Connor again, so he felt as if he had to, despite his worries.

The thing was, he felt so much for Connor. He liked him for so long, most of his life actually, and he had always been an outsider. Sitting on the sidelines, admiring from a distance. He had accepted the fact that Connor Murphy would never even look at him, let alone the same way he looked at him. But after these few days, he really wasn't sure he could handle that anymore. The way he felt spending time with him, he didn't want to go back to being on the outside just looking in. So he decided to wait at Connor's locker, so he could talk to him, as he hasn't been answering his texts. He waited. And he waited. It was two minutes before the bell would ring. He's either gonna be late, or he skipped. He sighed, about to walk away, when he came face to face with a girl.

She was fairly pretty, and had short hair, and was dressed really dorky. She was staring up at him timidly, chewing on her lip as if trying to figure out how words work.

"Hey, um, Evan?"

He looked at her in fear. Did they know eachother? She knew his name, they had to have met before! But he didn't know her name, god, this was embarrassing. She would probably hate him now, and dang now he was stammering like a weirdo-

"I uh, my name is Amy, you probably don't know me, this is my first year at this school! I transferred from, well, you probably don't wanna hear, I just..." she took a deep breath, looking down at a random spot on the floor as she tapped her foot on the floor quickly. "I've seen you around, and you're really cute, and I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime?"

Evan beamed at her. He was finally getting another friend! Maybe him, her and Jared could all hang out, oh! He's one step closer to having a friend group that does stereotypically hilarious hijinks at like, a mall or something. He's always wanted something like that. It was the ideal scenario; multiple people who liked him, who made him happy, and they could carry on conversations without him forcing himself to speak, especially since many days he just wasn't up to talking but hated being alone. He uttered out an overly enthusiastic yes, as they exchanged numbers, and agreed to hang out tomorrow, since it was a Saturday. Besides, Jared was coming over Sunday, so he had nothing else to do. He was in a great mood, and went about his day.

 

...

 

Evan woke up to a knock at his door Saturday morning, around 11 am. Jared had come over after school, and they stayed up late. Amy was probably already here! It was the time they agreed to meet up. He ran to open up the door. 

"Hey, Hansen, I got some driftwood, and this-"

It was Connor, and Evan was so happy to see him, that he tackled him into a hug, knocking him to the ground.

"Woah, what's got you so excited today?"

"C-Connor! Why have you been, you've been ignoring me! I missed you!"

Connor's face quickly turned pink, as he slowly hugged Evan back, his face growing extremely hot as he realized how close they were.

"I wasn't having the best of days, I'm sorry... as much as I l- um, care about you as my friend, I was too worried I'd snap at you. Sorry for worrying you Hansen."

"Well, I, I think, even if you're, i-if you're mad, we don't have to talk! We can, just, hang out, in, in silence?" He suggested sheepishly. Connor nodded, saying he'd try.

"So, I was thinking, if you weren't busy today, we could-" Connor was cut off, by Amy pulling into the driveway and eventually walking up to them.

"Sorry I'm late Evan! Let's get going!" She said with a smile, grabbing onto Evan's hand.

"Oh! Connor, this is Amy, I met her yesterday! She wanted to hang out today. We can hang out after, though!"

Connor glared at their hands, gently putting his own on Evan's shoulder protectively. If looks could kill, Amy would be dead in her tracks.

"Hi Connor, it's nice to meet you! Me and Evan are going on a date, but I'll he sure not to keep him out too late!" She joked.

Evan choked, as the grip on his shoulder suddenly got tight, before letting go entirely. Connor looked furious.

"D-date? D... I thought we were just... just hanging out?"

Amy giggled sweetly. "No, silly! What, did you think when I said go out, I meant it platonically? That's crazy!"

Her voice and intentions were lighthearted, but it hit Evan deep in his chest. "I-I-I thought, you, you wanted to be my friend?"

Amy just sighed. "Sorry, but well, not really. Not to be rude, I just, have enough friends, I was looking for something else."

"Yeah, well, he's taken. Step off." Connor growled.

Amy stared at the two of them with a knowing look, a sudden realization crossing her face. "Well! Sorry for the misunderstanding! You two have fun!" She gave his hand a squeeze, before walking off, and soon driving away with a small wave.

"What a weirdo." Connor scoffed. "Who even says that anyways? You could do a lot better than her."

Evan was tearing up and shaking all of a sudden, and Connor stared at him unsure of what to do for a moment.

"She, s-she didn't want, nobody, w-wants to be my friend, I'm so, so so stupid..."

Connor watched helplessly as Evan shook with his sobs. He took his hand, and led them back inside Evan's house, to his room, and onto his bed. Evan was nuzzled into his chest still crying.

"Look Hansen, I'm not good at this touchy feely bullshit, but she was a bitch for not wanting to be your friend. Hell, I waited fucking forever to at the very least be friends with you-" Connor closed his eyes suddenly, because he felt Evan shift to look up at him, and he felt immediately embarrassed. "Don't, just don't ask, it's stupid, but I'm happy to be your friend. Anyone in their right mind would, our school is just full of idiots. So just, try not to take it too personally."

He opened one of his eyes to peek down at Evan, who was giving him a watery smile. He nuzzled back into his chest, crying softly now, still upset, but Connor's words helped. Eventually though, he went quiet.

"...Ev?"

Evan let out a small snore. Connor pulled him to lay down on the bed, about to move away to leave, when Evan grumbled and pulled him closer.

"Stay, please."

Connor hesitantly curled up next to Evan, feeling a bit too tall for the bed. Soon, he fell back asleep, his eyes tired from crying. Connor's face was burning, he wasn't sure what to do, he didn't want to seem creepy, but he couldn't sleep, his heart was pounding too hard. So he looked at Evan's sleeping face, and gently put his hand on his cheek. Evan smiled in his sleep, and soon enough, Connor fell asleep too. He was worried about what would happen when they woke up, but he was content with right now. He just wished he could be his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for how slow things have been lately  
> For most people,when exercising, they start slow  
> But before I started my job I did nothing at all ever  
> So suddenly doing 8 hours of stuff a day is exhausting and painful for me  
> I'm a baby tbh  
> So I've just been resting a lot lately


	8. Lesson 8: Sharing is Caring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan hang out, but secrets come out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure when the next update will be!!! No more than a week tho!!! I love you guys

Evan woke up with a cute, quiet yawn, flushing when he saw Connor above him. He had shifted when he found sleeping for more than a few minutes wasn't likely, and now Evan's head was in his lap. He had taken the time to just listen to music, text his mom to let him know he was out, and look at memes. He smiled down at Evan dreamily.

"Good morning, beautiful."

Instead of fully acknowledging the compliment, he simply turned a deeper pink, as his eyes widened. "It's morning?!"

Connor was startled at the volume for a moment, before laughing. "It's not really, did you really think you could sleep that long?"

Evan sat up, stretching and leaning his head on Connor's shoulder cautiously. "I have, a-a couple times, I get really sleepy after someone calms me down, ask Jared! We've had a, a ton of sleepovers w-where it was just, just me sleeping, the whole time."

He hummed, in a sort of, 'that sounds like an Evan thing to do' kind of way. "Cute."

They stayed that way for a while. While he was a bit embarrassed from the compliment, it wasn't that he couldn't talk. It just was a comfortable silence, and if it wasn't for the fact he loved having Connor here, he would've fallen back asleep with how comfy he was. He shifted his head on his shoulder to look up at Connor, who had been already looking at him. They both gave a small smile, and wow, this was weird. He normally hated eye contact, it made him fidget in his place, and normally avoided it at all costs. Even with Jared, while he could look, he didn't like staring for this long. It just made things awkward. But right now, it's like something was pulling his eyes to meet with Connor's, and his were beautiful, and he felt amazing.

Until he didn't. 

He didn't know when, but the atmosphere changed to one of nervousness. Connor was staring at him with something different than before, his eyebrows furrowed and almost a scowl on his face, and while Evan had seen him do this when he was contemplating something, he immediately worried he did something wrong. Connor bit his lip and continued staring, so he put his head down and looked at the now very interesting string sticking out of his blanket.  
"S-sooo... what was... why did you bring d... driftwood?" He attempted, remembering what he had said when he came to the door, not even remembering Connor bringing it inside as he looked at it sitting on his desk.

The staring stopped, as the taller boy sighed, and took a hold of Evan's hand dejectedly, in a 'good enough' kind of way. "It was stupid."

Evan just rubbed his thumb against his hand reassuringly. Connor turned away to hide his face.

"I uh, when I was little, Zoe had this, rock collection." Connor made a face, as if wondering whether it was ok to speak, so Evan squeezed his hand. "My parents seemed so proud of that, for some reason. I mean, a 5 year old, picking up rocks and putting them in an old shoe box? Woah, so fucking amazing." He stopped for a moment, realizing he was getting a bit angry, and stared at Evan. "So, I made my own. I tried to do rocks, but Zoe said I was a copycat. One trip, I saw driftwood at the beach, and I thought it was some cool rock? So I started collecting it. It's... stupid." He trailed off.

"It's not, it's not stupid. But that, i-it doesn't tell me why?"

Connor grumbled. "This was the first one I ever collected. It has these, blue streaks on it? It was uh, some stupid fucking thing me and Zoe did on Easter back then, we tried to dye it, but like, you like blue? And trees? And I've seen some cool shit people do with driftwood and... God this is fucking stupid, like we could decorate it, and you could keep it?"

Connor was beet red, and wouldn't look at Evan anymore. He was speechless. This wasn't something he'd expect Connor to do, let alone anyone. And Evan being Evan, loved it. It made him ecstatic that he actually knew what he liked was... well, surprising, to say the least. Most people didn't pay attention enough. Though, considering blue and trees were the easiest things he liked that most could figure out if they wanted to fairly easily, it still meant a lot. Though, it was clear that Connor didn't do these kinds of things often, as he looked extremely uncomfortable talking, and seemed ready to just dismiss the whole idea if Evan didn't say something quick.

"I love it! What do you, what do you think we should do to it?"

Connor stared at him as if he had just said something that was in a completely different language. He hadn't actually expected him to like it. He had finally had a calm moment at home the other day, because his parents had gone out of town, so they weren't making him pissed off. He was hanging out with Zoe, who of course was asking about Evan. She seemed to think he should do something nice for him, since he had been ignoring him for so long. He had mentioned things that he liked, and considering there was almost nothing nearby that fit the descriptions, the stupid driftwood had stood out like a siren. Sentimentality made things more special, she insisted, and considering he knew little to nothing about gifts, he trusted her. But telling Evan about it had made him doubt everything. He wasn't sure why he needed him to like it so badly, he knew nothing bad would happen otherwise, because well. Evan is Evan.

"Well. I don't fucking know." He cringed at how harsh his words came out. "I thought, we could carve something into it. I don't know. All my stuff is at my house though."

Evan gave him a look, and before they knew it, they were off to the Murphy house. It was kind of funny, as a couple strangers passing by gave them odd looks. Evan, in his extremely adorable soft pajamas still, (he had gone to the door earlier to tell Amy to wait, but Connor had pulled him outside and he hasn't had a chance to change yet. But most of him didn't care.) was skipping along the sidewalk, swinging Connor's hand around like a little kid. And then there was Connor, letting his arm move wildly to follow the movement next to him, taking long strides that kept up with Evan fairly easily without needing to go as fast, decked out in all black, and despite the look in his eyes saying otherwise, he had a neutral, dead-inside expression. Two opposites, clearly. 

There had been a couple times where their paces didn't match up though, which sent them tripping all over the place and giggling on the ground.

 

...

 

His room was not what he expected, and typical at the same time. A lot of it was dark, with band posters he didn't recognize, but there were also things that were bright, and pretty, because apparently, Connor didn't just do art in class. There was stuff all over the place. He went over to something he had carved out of wood and stared in awe.

Connor flopped onto his bed. "I met this guy once, I think his name was Robert? I honestly can't remember. Anywho, he showed me how to carve shit. I never really saw him after that though, so it's... really fucking abstract. Mostly random patterns and shit." He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes closed and peaceful. Until Evan jumped onto the bed excitedly, startling him.

"Can you, could you maybe, s-show me? How to do it, I mean. If that's, if it's ok?" Evan seemed to realize his overexcitement, and immediately shrunk in on himself.

"Of course. C'mon tree boy."

Connor showed him how to do it, which there wasn't a lot of explaining to do, but Evan's shaky hands and tendency to rush things made it a bit hard. He managed to make a lopsided heart on the piece of wood, which make Connor smile.

"Look, I don't wanna be rude Ev, but you've been hunched over it for almost 30 minutes, and you only made a little heart?" They both laughed, Evan trying to defend himself jokingly, and soon Connor started to carve into it, making nothing in particular, in silence. He watched him for a while, before speaking up.

"I like that."

"Hmmm?"

"Being called that. Being called Ev." Connor hummed to acknowledge it, but didn't say anything. He started to pick at his cast. "It's just, you always call me Hansen, but not anymore. B-but, I like, I like that too! It's, it's a very Connor thing t-to say. And I, I like it."

He looked up at Connor, and he was watching him with that same expression from earlier. It was silent, and for a couple minutes, they just watched eachother. He wasn't sure what was happening, but all of a sudden he was leaning towards Evan, starting to close his eyes, and Evan started to as well, his heart pounding. Was this really happening? Was Connor about to-

"Hey fuckers, I'm ordering some pizza, do you want anything?" Zoe said as she barged in.

Connor had jumped away in shock as soon as he heard her voice, and was now on the floor, all of him red and embarrassed, as he let his hair fall over his face. Zoe looked at them for a second and giggled when it clicked in her head, and repeated her question. Connor was silent.

"U-um, I like, just, plain, like, just cheese, please?" He heard Connor let out an airy, soft laugh at that, but otherwise stayed quiet.

"Alrighty, I'll come back when it's here." She waited for an answer. "In like, thirty minutes." Still, it was quiet. "I won't be back until then, I won't interrupt anything." The look on Evan's face made her laugh, as she left the room, gently closing the door behind her. Then it was quiet again.

Evan fidgeted uncomfortably, looking at Connor, who still wasn't moving. He was getting anxious. He saw a pen on the table next to the bed, so he reached over and grabbed it, immediately clicking it over and over. Sometimes the repetition of doing things helped, and he kept doing it, until finally Connor grunted out a cold "Stop."

Evan's eyes pricked with the possibility of tears, he didn't know why the mood changed so fast. Things were silent for a bit longer, until there was a small sigh, and he shifted and went back to carving the driftwood. The shift made Evan get a glimpse of his eyes; they looked tired all of a sudden. They had looked so content earlier. He heard his own stomach grumble.

After what felt like forever, Zoe's voice called from downstairs, saying the pizza was here, and he quickly got up, about to leave, before looking back at Connor, who was still very much focused, gritting his teeth as he worked.

"C... Connor."

He grunted, not looking up.

"Let's go, go eat. Okay?"

Another grunt. Evan sighed, and left the room, going downstairs, to see Zoe and Alana chatting at the table, idly eating pizza. Evan sat by them, after Zoe had realized he was just standing there awkwardly for probably way too long and gestured him to sit down.

"Where's Connor?"

"Oh! Uh, well, h-he seemed, in a bad mood, all of a sudden? I'm not, I'm not really sure why, um, sorry."

Zoe and Alana hummed in understanding, like it wasn't something that needed further explanation. Maybe it happened a lot? Before he could ask, he came trudging down the stairs, his eyes cold and... angry? He grabbed a slice from the box, leaving to go sit on the couch. Evan frowned, nibbling at his pizza in silence, checking his phone to text Jared back, since he forgot to earlier. The silence was uncomfortable, and he looked up to see Zoe jerking her head towards the couch, silently telling him to go there. Evan shook his head no, and Alana mouthed at him to go to Connor. He threw his head back in defeat, and got up, plate in hand and walked the short distance to him, sitting so that their thighs were touching. Connor's eyes were confused for a moment, before going back to neutral.

Soon, he was moving, about to get up and walk away, so Evan clinged to his arm, pulling him back onto the couch forcefully. He started to tear up as Connor's eyes widened.

"Wait no, why are you crying? Don't, fucking, look it's okay... shit I'm bad at this." He carefully removed his arm from his grip, holding onto his hand instead, and cupping his cheek with his other. "What's wrong?"

"Y-you, did I, did I do something w-wrong?" He sniffled. "You seemed, m-mad at me, when Zoe, when she came i-in."

Connor frowned suddenly. "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself, and... other things." At Evan's look of confusion, he added. "It's stupid, I just, there's too many things going on in my head, and it's making me do stupid things. Just, don't ask, ok? I can't tell you, until I'm sure."

"Sure? Sure of what?"

"I need to be sure that you- Damn it, I just said I can't tell you!" Evan giggled at his fake frustration. "I just, I need a second, I, I'll be right back!" He rushed upstairs.

Evan just smiled and went back to the table, smile fading as both girls were watching him with smirks that said, 'we know something you don't'.

"W-why are you, looking at me like that?"

"Evan, it's extremely obvious that Connor has a crush on you." Alana said matter-of-factly, as Zoe giggled.

"You didn't have to be so blunt about it!"

"What? They're both dense. They were never going to figure it out."

"Them being dense is adorable though!"

Alana made a sound of agreement. Evan just stood there, his blush evident, as he stammered in refusal. It didn't make sense, he would never like him like that, would he? He sat down close to them, shy and confused. Listening to them chat about random things that made it apparently SO obvious, eventually a question was made towards him. 

"So, do you like my brother?"

 

...

 

Connor was coming back down the stairs, having splashed some water in his face to cool the heat rising from them. He didn't know what was up with him earlier. For some reason, in that moment, he just had an urge stronger than usual to kiss him. His body was moving on its own accord before he could question it, and he was freaking out too much inside to realize whether or not Evan was leaning in too. And then Zoe came in, and Evan wouldn't even make eye contact. He must have hated him now, he probably would never like him like that. And it frustrated him.

He had liked Evan for so long, not his whole life, but long enough to realize there wasn't a more perfect human being on this earth. But they were too different. Evan would never feel the same way, because Connor was Connor. He was scary, and weird, and Evan probably thought all the hand holding and nice gestures were just a thing friends did. Which, wouldn't be that farfetched, considering he did that with Jared. It'd make sense that Evan didn't feel sparks like Connor did each time their fingers fit perfectly together. So he wasn't mad at Evan in the slightest, because Evan deserved so much more anyways. But it made him pissed at himself, because he couldn't help how strongly he felt for him, he couldn't help how stupid and hopeful he was that maybe, somehow, he felt the same. Zoe kept saying it would work out in the end. He wanted to believe it. But he also wanted things to end.

A lot of times, it took the smallest of things to ruin his mood. And it would spiral, his thoughts going out of control, quickly thinking the worst things in a short amount of time, and all of a sudden he'd be distant and pissed for no good reason. Evan had said he liked cheese pizza. What did he expect from him honestly? It was such an Evan thing, he had thought, and it made him laugh, but soon remembering that all those little traits he loved about him just hurt, because his future would never be snuggled up on the couch ordering his boyfriend cheese pizza.

But right now, his mind was calm. He was ready to hang out with Evan a bit longer, to mess with his sister, and... nothing really with Alana, but her presence was nice, if anything. He was halfway down-

"So, do you like my brother?"

Of course Zoe had to fucking do this. His heart clenched, ready for the no he knew was coming.

A pained laugh came from Evan. "Of course, of course I do." A small pause. "God, I, I wish I didn't, s-sometimes. It'd make things, a l-lot easier, honestly."

Connor had conflicting feelings. Should he be happy he likes him, or sad that he doesn't want to? Why doesn't he-

"Why don't you want to?" Alana questioned gently. A long sigh came from Evan, followed by a longer pause as he was thinking of how to word his thoughts.

"It's just, I've, I've liked him as long as, as long as I've known him! A-and like, how could he ever, like, ever feel the same way? I'm, I-I'm a stuttering mess, and l-like, I'm so, so annoying! Why w-would he-"

"Evan, you're none of that. Sorry to stop you, it's just, you and Connor would be perfect together. We all think it." Alana said with a warm smile.

"Who's, e-everyone?"

"Me, Alana and Jared." Zoe said, flashing a smile. Evan groaned lightheartedly.

Connor went back up the stairs, tuning out what he just heard. He couldn't really process what just happened. He thought he was dreaming, it didn't seem true. But regardless, right now, he was happy. He sat on his bed, and started crying into a pillow. Evan Hansen liked him. Evan Hansen, liked HIM, Connor fucking Murphy.

After the tears had died down, he wiped his face, and started carving something cheesy into the driftwood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why I did the driftwood thing, once my ex tried to carve driftwood after it dried off, and I thought it was cool, and I've seen some cool painted ones, Idk, just go with it


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frick I'm sorry  
> I've been busy with things and I kinda forgot about everything.   
> I know I don't have a big fan base or anything but it frustrates me to no end when an author says they'll be back and then they disappear off a story like, forever, with no word of if they'll finish it or don't feel up to it  
> I have yeeted, and now, I must yote for my sins

Everything was wrong.

Wrong

Wrong

Wrong

Connor, of course, was no stranger to mood swings. He'd had a really bad switch after that day he spent with Evan, attacking Kleinman with water guns. He didn't even know WHY, he had no reason to be angry, he usually doesn't have a reason, he just was so angry and drained and he wanted it all to stop please stop-

After hearing Evan's somewhat confession, he had an idea strike and got to work carving something immaculate on the driftwood. He needed time to work on it alone though, so it could be a surprise. The idea seemed sweet enough, at least. He went downstairs and had a nervous smile on his face, trying not to draw attention that he knows, he knows that Evan FUCKING Hansen likes him, and that life is perfect and wonderful and he could just kiss him right now. The rest of the night is spent watching tv with everyone, until Connor takes Evan home. Afterwards, he collapses on his bed with a smile on his face.

Connor believes he might just sleep great tonight.

And he does.

Everything is fine and dandy until he wakes up, and suddenly it's a feeling he knows all too well.

He hated this. There weren't many moments where he was truly, and utterly happy. Once, he went a whole week, being absolutely chipper and cheerful and it honestly freaked his family the fuck out. It kind of scared him too, in a way, but he figured he could get used to this weird feeling. Of course, he knew happiness. It's just it had been a few years where he had felt it for such a consistent amount of time.   
Then, all of a sudden, in the middle of the day, while he and his dad were carefully in eachothers presence, his mood just... dropped. His thoughts turned dark, and eventually everything around him was so loud and it was pissing him off, and everyone was back to treating him like a fucking bomb waiting to blow.

So you can imagine the fear that runs through him when he's suddenly been handed all these warm and good feelings, just waiting for his mood to drop, wanting to just hold onto the warmth.

And today is the day.

Now, Connor is furiously scratching at his notebook, drawing Evan in a messy jumble that still manages to look good, with an empty look in his eyes.

He can't talk to Evan anymore.

He's not worthy of talking to Evan anymore.

Evan deserves better.

Connor thinks about the short time he's spent with Evan recently. He worried a lot about moving too fast, because though they only held hands a few times and he almost kissed him, they hadn't truly talked before about 2 weeks ago. Sure, they had known eachother their whole lives and he liked Evan for a lot of it, but... He was rushing it. Evan probably didn't like him nearly as much. Maybe the idea of Connor, but never truly Connor. Because Connor is too fucked up. He idly thinks about the possibility of hurting Evan. Like he hurt Zoe. She's trying to forgive, to be normal, but it's too soon for much progress to be made. He hadn't expected it to be immediate, but the look on her face even when joking with him is cautious, afraid, and it hurts him. 

That's going to be Evan.

He can't help the spiral of emotions going through his head and how nobody will ever love him, he'll always be alone, and suddenly he's pissed, pissed that the boy he's loved for so long likes a fuck up like him. 

He'd never forgive himself if he hurt Evan like he did to Zoe.

He feels his phone buzz, and it's a message from Evan, but he can't read it, the words are blurry, and he suddenly realizes his throat feels raw and his eyes are wet, but he's otherwise numb. He puts his phone on silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will I disappear for a day, or a year? Who know

**Author's Note:**

> Yeetyeetyeet


End file.
